Apologizing is an important aspect of maintaining healthy relationships and resolving conflicts. However, not all apologies are created equal. One common phrase that is often used in apologies is “I’m sorry if I came across that way.” But is this statement actually a valid apology?
Aggressive doesn’t always have to mean yelling and physical violence. Aggressive non-apologies often don’t feature “I’m sorry,” but they can. People who react this way may blow up at you, sheepishly apologize for blowing up, and then “forget” to circle back to the original issue. In my experience, they’ll blow up first, then move into other kinds of responses. This tends to come from a wounded place where they misinterpret confrontation or requests for accountability as attacks on their personhood. They feel threatened or deeply wounded by the thought that they have done something ‘wrong’ or are wrong (shame) and can lash out as a way of denying their feelings.
And we all make thoughtless mistakes from time to time, like forgetting a promise or breaking something. These apologies often come with stipulations, excuses, and shifting blame. You don’t have to accept them, as you’re the one who gets to choose when to forgive someone. Studies indicate empathetic apologies have a strong impact on people perceiving it as a sincere apology. And late apologies can increase the chance of someone thinking it’s insincere. The more components used in the apology, the more sincere it seems.
An active voice construction would be along the lines of “I made mistakes” or “John Doe made mistakes.” The speaker neither accepts personal responsibility nor accuses anyone else. If you know the person you’ve hurt personally, spend time thinking about their history, relationships, and past traumas, says McCance. While you will never fully understand another person’s lived experience, by contextualizing this offense within their personal triggers, you may better empathize with their reaction. Aggressive non-apologies are often easier to spot given their overt nature.
The Problem with “I’m Sorry if I Came Across That Way”
There are an almost infinite number of ways you can say sorry, but we’ve included 100 below. These are split into categories to help you select the most suitable apology for each situation. To grasp how easy and fast it’s to write apology message with Flowrite, just check out the example of resolving a customer complaint below. Depending on your business, service, or sector, this customer service apology template can help you regain trust and restore respect.
One of the main issues with the phrase “I’m sorry if I came across that way” is that it places the blame on the other person’s perception rather than taking responsibility for one’s own actions. This can come across as dismissive or insincere, leading the recipient to feel invalidated or unheard.
When to Use a Different Approach
If you find yourself using the phrase “I’m sorry if I came across that way,” consider whether there may be a more effective way to apologize. Instead of focusing on how the other person interpreted your words or actions, try acknowledging the impact of your behavior and expressing genuine remorse.
FAQs About Apologies
Nothing is ever their fault, and they’ll only be so gracious as to say they’re sorry if you do an even more grandiose (or demeaning) gesture to earn that apology from them. In their minds, their conciliatory gesture should have been enough to un-ruffle your feathers. They know they did something bad, they don’t want to own up to it, but figure that doing something to counteract their blatant misstep is enough of an apology in and of itself.
- Q: What makes a sincere apology?
- A: A sincere apology involves taking responsibility for your actions, acknowledging the harm caused, and making a commitment to change.
- Q: How can I apologize effectively?
- A: Focus on the impact of your behavior, express genuine remorse, and make amends if possible.
In conclusion, while saying “I’m sorry if I came across that way” may be well-intentioned, it may not always be perceived as a genuine apology. It is important to take ownership of our actions and their consequences when seeking to mend relationships and resolve conflicts.
